Excepting Zofran for the constant need to barf while pregnant, I’ve never taken anything besides the occasional Tylenol. So one night when I broke down and told Sam I thought something was wrong, I couldn’t handle the constant fear that life was going to continue to spiral, that the boys dying continually haunted me, and the nightmares of him and Bella being killed, I also told him I was going to talk to my Dr the next week about it all. Because while this is my body, being on anything that alters me also affects him. He wasn’t a huge fan of it, having been on medication when he was younger and learning that it carries a stigma and often is prescribed just as the easy way out of things. We ended up agreeing that we trusted my Dr, she’s seen us through the entire thing so far, and if she thought something was wrong, we’d take her recommendation seriously. This time, as things began to level out, he saw a huge difference. When I was in her office that day, trying to hold it all together, I had so many thoughts racing through my mind. And while all these thoughts raced in my mind, there was a small voice that said, “Part of this isn’t normal – it’s beyond grief and loss.” So when my Dr asked if I wanted something to help me with the anxiety and nightmares, I swallowed my perfectionism and pride and said, “Yes.” 3 days later I went to get the prescription. He said he didn’t like how zoned out I was so often, but he had to admit I seemed more at peace and able to cope with the grief. Here’s a scenario I’ll never forget – and it has nothing to do with grief. The night before I headed home, the thought popped in my head of, “What if I don’t make the plane tomorrow because I’m not sure how to get there? I was being over dramatic, I was short circuiting the grief cycle, this was all normal, if – Wait. And it sat on my counter – I’d pass it during the day and wonder what on earth would happen if I actually started it. I didn’t want to be different, I didn’t want to not feel the pain and loss of my sons dying, I didn’t want to zone out of my life. And knowing it might take a week or so, I wasn’t surprised when nothing happened. We were on base one Sunday trying to get everything done before heading back to get Bella in nap. ” And it was realistic – I was about to navigate NY to NJ on taxis and subways with almost no clue of where I was going. And if I miss my plane I’ll go up the counter once I get there and see when the next one leaves.” Then I fell asleep. There is a very short window of time between nap and “I MISSED THE ALLOTED TIME FOR NAP AND EVERYONE WILL PAY FOR THIS” during the day. His shocked voice continued, “You usually get all upset, spend the rest of the day in a terrible mood, and make it a much bigger deal than it is. 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